I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
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DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
i actually laughed 😩
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing