[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
nice challenge
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.