Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
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I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
i love meeting boys on tinder
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?