I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
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This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.