monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
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Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*