Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
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Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat