Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
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Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
I laughed at this way too hard.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
SCARY COSTUME
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
just witnessed a drug deal
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*