Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
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I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Does your wife know you’re single?
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!