“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
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I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Whoa… oh I see lol
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.