Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
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Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.