If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
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Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
look at me when i’m typing to you
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*