The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
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Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
All set.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
I’m not wrong
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
shut up and take my money
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House