What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
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Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
For those that worship cheese..
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.