Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
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#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Just me and my debit card against the world
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
real
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
⛄️
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.