Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
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You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.