Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
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I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.