Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
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[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
the world’s most popular steaming services
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”