Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
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[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
how much for the angry fruit?
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?