If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
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Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
when someone compliments me
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.