Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
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[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
you stereotypes are all alike
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”