Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
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[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day