WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
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Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy