I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
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card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
🙀🙀🙀😹
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR