there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
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Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
🤣🤣
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Always the camel, never the toe.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke