Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
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Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
The glockness monster
Wise advice
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…