I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
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When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I am never leaving this website
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.