Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
You Might Also Like
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
got so much cardio in today
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Every work meeting this week
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
My therapist after every session