3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
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Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Breaking news:
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.