(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
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The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R