I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
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You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
This hospital has everything
The symmetry is uncanny.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
barbara was highly relatable
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Does this dress make me look cat?
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.