REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
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5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
every. time.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.