I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
You Might Also Like
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]