How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
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That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*