[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
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life finds a way
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
This is true.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.