LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
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My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless