I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
You Might Also Like
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.