“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
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8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*