“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
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Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*