The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
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Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall