I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
You Might Also Like
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
When you’ve simply given up.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!