#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
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Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.