INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
You Might Also Like
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
That’s incredible! 👌
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?