Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
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remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
the council will decide your fate
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.