One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
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a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Don’t tell me what to do
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.