Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
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[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*