I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
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“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*