The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
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My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie