Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
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You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?