Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
You Might Also Like
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Leaving the Barbers like
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions