M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
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“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
This line from Airplane.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
no regrets
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.